My pain defined me, or so I thought, my heartbreak was the chalk outline of my suffering.So, she held me, hugging me close to her chest, touching her warm hand to my leg, offering me silence when everyone else kept talking in meaningless platitudes and dismissive impatience.Inevitably then, through that intimate closeness, my pain gradually became replaced by something else. Something new. Something scary. I began to crave her touch, that sense of mothering closeness, that feeling of my skin on hers. I became a junkie for the perfumed aroma of her clothes, the soft texture of her nylon stockings against my leg, the gentle rise and fall of her chest as she held me close, her whispered words. I began to make excuses to visit her, prolonging the outward appearance of agony long after the memory of why I was hurting in the first place had faded. I offered to do yard work for her, to clean her house, to iron her clothes. Anything to be close to the older woman who beguiled me so. I never. “Not good enough,” she said sternly. “Commit to success. Don’t try, persevere. I love you, Babe, but I’m not coming back until you have good news for me. No more. No more booze, no more dreaming about the crash. No more late night visits from me. I’m putting my foot down. You’re twenty-five, now. You’re still young enough to have the life you want. You just have to stop wanting to die to get it.”“How do I do that?” I asked her. “There’s a hole in the middle of my chest.”“Then fill it. Pete, we were together for a year. You’ve been mourning for two. What happened to your wisdom that recovery takes half the length of the relationship?”I smiled in spite of myself. “That was bullshit,” I argued. “I wasn’t ready to date.”“And now you are,” she said. “Let Linda set you up with her friend or start looking around here more seriously. Hell, I bet Mrs. Sanchez could use a strong man around the house. You could play horsey with her for a little while. It’d be good for both of you. Make her feel.
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